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I’ve lost track of what day it is while all my emotions are lining up like kids for a rollercoaster ride.

Excitement pairs up with fear,

Confusion sits with certainty,

“I got this” buddy buckles with “what the heck”,

“Wear the mask” partners with “but not that mask”,

“Flatten the curve” is strapped to “you need a curfew”,

And “this is going to be a time of transformation” got tripped face first into the seat beside “I just can’t”.

I’m a tangle of emotions trying to find my way in the wilds of the unknown.

There’s no one to call and say “Tell me about that time you rode out a pandemic.” My work, deemed “unessential”, has me learning to thrive in captivity with more thoughts and feelings swirling in my mind than there are computer keys or ink to capture.

In every pile of clamoring emotions, much like the Iditarod Race, the lead dog needs to emerge for the sled or in this case, life, to move forward.

In Jack London’s book Call of the Wild, the main character, a dog named Buck, was passed from place to place in his life because his spiritedness was just too much and needed to be tamed. Eventually, he became part of a Canadian postal sled team during the 1890’s gold rush. He was back of the pack until things happened and for the sake of survival he had to own who he was and lead the pack. By the end of the story, that bold move had reminded him who he really was in the core of his being.

Today pulling my life’s sled or reluctantly in the first car of the rollercoaster is my vulnerability. I trust she is the right leader right now.

For us in these days that seem endless or to the person 100 years from now who is suddenly tossed into the next “once in a century” moment, here’s a bit of honesty to help navigate it.

Listen carefully within you and outside of you to discern the directions to help you find your way through the wilderness of the unknown. Like Buck, it might take bumping into a lot of closed paths and doors to find the one that leads to true self.

I’m glad vulnerability is my lead dog today.

By allowing myself to feel vulnerable, I’m learning much about the state of my body, mind, and spirit.

My body senses the vulnerability of my immune system as a ghost like virus wanders nearby during this pandemic.

My mind is doing its best to navigate a barrage of triggered emotions in a brain that already has thousands of thoughts a day and a history of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

My spirit feels somewhat trapped by the realities of the outside world so she is intuitively spending more time in her inner world.

That place where instinct begins to remember the way through the wilds is where Buck’s primal sensations led him to a sense of himself he’d forgotten.

Give yourself the chance to reveal what is raw inside you and let it speak.

In the wilds of your wisdom, there is memory from your internal GPS to help you find your way through.

May you remember who you were made to be before you got made up to look good or be good to pass the judgement of the world.

Raw times call for real.

Find your pack like Buck did and remember who you were made to be. The stuff in there is the key to navigating today.


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